5

So Mum went into hospital and started the process of trying the get ‘blob mark 3’ out. She pushed and she pushed, but still he didn’t come out.

‘Push harder’ said the eminent doc.

‘If you think you can do any better, you have a go’ was Mum’s ‘considered reply!

It might be worth mentioning at this point that the OSO had plenty of experience in pushing out recalcitrant (look it up!) offspring; Me! Mum had a real job getting me out. I got well and truly stuck when I was being born. At one point (so I’m told, ‘cause in honesty, I don’t remember a lot) that the consultant was trying to pull me out with the help of a couple of nurses, Dad and another nurse were hanging onto the bed to stop it shooting across the floor as he pulled and then in walked the gorgeous paediatrician (Mum’s words, not mine) who could then only see a certain part of Mum’s anatomy (don’t ask!) and then said to her

‘I know you from somewhere don’t I?

Seemingly the whole room erupted in laughter at that and eventually I was born, much to Mum’s relief.

Anyway, back to Alistair’s birth. Well I couldn’t let him steal all the thunder! He arrived, all by the OSO’s efforts, she is very determined. All 10lbs 5oz of him.

What most of you won’t know is that Mum is not exactly the largest lady in the world. She’s 5’ 2” on a good day and weighs around 8st 7lbs, so Alistair, pro rata was pretty big.

So the first problem was that he couldn’t breathe properly, he get making these really weird sounds (he still makes them today, though it’s usually when he’s had too much to drink). So the Docs decided to stick a tube down his throat to hold open his airway and take him up to the Special Baby Care Unit. It turned out he had a floppy soft palette which kept dropping down and blocking his airway, his body was too big for the reflexes of a new born baby (I ask you!). So there he is with all these tiny premature babies and Al, the incredible hulk. They couldn’t find any clothes big enough for him it really was a joke.

Naturally enough, Mum and Dad were rather worried at this stage, obviously they were upset enough about me without having another son to worry about. The only son not to cause them any bother at the moment was Roger, as you will find out later, this happy state of affairs didn’t last for long! Roger always wanted to make his presence felt and he hasn’t changed any to this day!!

Of course Dad had to know someone (he always does, it’s because he’s so old and has been around for such a long time it’s inevitable he bumps into someone he knows) Anyway, up in the Special Baby Care Unit he bangs into one of his old rugby playing friends, who it turns out, is visiting his very small and premature grandson! Dad was visiting his ginormous son! (not sure how you spell that) Well I told you he was old!!

So Al was left up bulging out of his cot, Mum was back on the ward, not happy, only to be told, because she had had such a big baby they were going to test to see if she had got diabetes! I ask you it was one thing after another.